my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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