I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
