1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
