If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
