My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You may now shotgun with the bride
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
