Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
