I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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