then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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