the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
