My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
