He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I want to fling myself into the sun
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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