my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
