your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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