paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
