I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
