Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
