the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
