Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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