I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
