I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
