so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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