is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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