Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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