I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
