please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Panties = found
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