3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
