I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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