He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
