Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dear god my vagina.
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