I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
