I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
