Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
