His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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