Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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