I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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