So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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