a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
