Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
