I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
