Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
