I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
