the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
