Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
