I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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