her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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