this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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