Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can you bring me the toilet please
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
