So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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