my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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