I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
