is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
