yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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