I look better un-naked...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
