Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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